I've debated whether or not i should post this here. I've gone back and forth in my head, trying to decide the consequences of what might happen if I allowed myself to whisper the truth.
On one hand there's the fact that the few people who read my blog may not understand. You might be angry, or disappointed in me. Trust me, if you feels these things about me chances are I am already feeling them in regards to myself.
But I can't just ignore the real story and I can't just stop writing and so I must shove my pride into the back closet, place duct tape around it's mouth and begin to tell my story.
I've hinted at it before, and I'll say it again, I'm young. If you want to know how young, I'll tell you. I'm 16.
My daughter, Mia, was stillborn on September 10. This is true.
I'm not married. I'm not a stepmother.
And writing this all I am already sitting here fearing the criticism I might recieve. I am fearing being told that by lying about my story I am shaming the baby loss community, even though my baby died.
I thought maybe, by pretending to be someone I'm not, my loss would be validated more.
And even though by writing all of this maybe I am being that 16 year old girl and that's showing but mostly I hope it shows maturity.
I apologize to everyone I may have hurt in pretending. I hope you can find it in your heart's to forgive me.
In the end I would rather be hated for who I am than accepted for who I'm not.
Know I deeply care about every single person I have met in this baby loss community, who has welcomed me with open arms. I feel loved here, which is part of the reason I am telling my truth.
There's so many other things I want to say, but I'm not going to tag them onto the end of this post. Maybe someday I'll write them out here - if anyone decides to keep reading.
Again, I'm sorry, and I am so thankful for the chance to share my story, and the memory of my sweet girl with all of you
Emily
Emily, I'm so sorry that you felt you had to pretend to be someone else to have the loss of your Mia validated. You don't have to. Just be yourself. Tell us here as much as you want to or as little as you want to.
ReplyDeleteI decided a long time ago - as you know I'm old, over twice as old as you (eep!) and old in baby loss blog time - but I decided that I would take what anyone wrote at face value, as the truth. And I'm happy to still take that stance.
Not disappointed or angry. Not here. No criticism. If you choose to share more, please do. If not, I understand.
Thinking of you and remembering your Mia xo
Would you mind if I asked another baby loss mama I know, who lost her son at a very young age too, to drop you a line? She did have a blog but has taken it private.
Catherine,
DeleteThank you. i am so thankful to have 'met' you in this little blog world.
Thank you doesn't even begin to cover it for me right now, but I guess those 2 little words will have to do.
And yeah, you can definitely ask her to drop me a line :)
Emily--
ReplyDeleteLike Catherine...I'm sorry you felt that you had to validate yourself with a story or a perceived age to feel like you could come out and feel accepted.
Regardless of the story...It doesn't matter, really. This experience is crazy-making stuff. And honestly...however you reacted is what you felt you needed to do to get through. And you're getting through. Losing a baby sucks. No matter how old you are. I'm twice your age...and I can't even imagine what a mindfuck it must be to be going through this when you've only had 16 short years of life to get hardened. I've been hardened by other things in 33 years...so I can't imagine going through it as fresh as you are, you know? Being pregnant at 16 is one thing to go through...losing that baby is another. I'm sorry you've had to go through both so young.
I'm here for you. I'd love to hear your real truth as well. You're the first person that I really connected to after losing Luke. So if you ever need anything, please let me know.