Saturday, 30 March 2013

I need a little more time... (Happy Easter, my loves)

I want to scream.
This isn't fair.
Last night i sobbed into my pillow, missing my baby, and missing her daddy.
I feel so often like i can't breathe.
I'm choking on air thats not oxygen and suffocating and its messy and not at all graceful
But still i paste on a smile and help decorate Easter eggs and try to enjoy meals with family.
I feel like i'm faking it
I'm no stranger to death and yet everytime it strikes i cry out for more time
To say "i love you," one more time
To make things right
For one more hug and kiss
And yet, with every death, i sit here and long for more time
Let me hold you longer, sweet child of mine
Let me tell you i loved you once more, my first love
I would do it different. I would let go of my hurt and just love the way Mia, and Cam, deserved to be loved
Never enough time
I feel selfish on my knees begging for just one more minute
To hold them (my loves)
To tell them i love them (i love you, my darlings)
To just be with my family, whole and complete (no missing pieces)
I hope they both know the extent of my love
I let him name her. He picked Mia. I agreed only if her full name could be Amelia.
We only got these small moments of parenthood and i let him name her.
And now he gets to hold her
To kiss her and love her
His acts of parenthood far outweigh mine.
I wish it wasn't so.
Amelia Kadee, your first Easter is coming.
I was with my cousin today and her daughter at the mall
They walked into some toy store, with stuffed animals
I watched as my cousin helped her daughter choose a bear
I wished it was me
I want to choose a bear for my daughter
I felt such a poigant loss
I stepped outside the store, tears in my eyes
Tomorrow is Easter and i feel so broken
How can i rejoice when so much pain surrounds me?
I feel so out of place. Like i don't belong with all these walking, talking, happy people.

I miss you, Cam
I miss you, Amelia Kadee, my Mia girl
My love for you both will never fade
You are my family.
Happy Easter, loves

Tuesday, 26 March 2013

I love you, my darlings

I haven't been here in a while.
I'm sorry. I am.
Sometimes i forget why i'm writing. For her.
But also for him, now.
I warn you now this won't seem real.
"You're crazy, Em," you'll say, "you're just a sad babyloss mama desperate for attention."
I tell you now this is the truth. I wouldn't believe it if i hadn't lived it.
But is true. Like a horror story i can't escape, every word is true.
A month ago (give or take a few days) i stood witness to my second death in 6 months.
He died. Mia's daddy. A car accident. He went quick, they said. He's at peace, they said. He's with his daughter, i said. Is it bad that I'm a little jealous? That he gets to be with her and i'm here, without them both? I am here alone, remembering both of them seems like too big a burden for my shoulders to bear.
I miss my Amelia, my Mia.
And i miss Cam, her daddy.
I saw her today. Well not really her. I'll never see her again. But, at dinner, the girl at the next table, with blonde braids, had Down Syndrome.
I wanted it to be her. I want the little girl in the resturant and the little girl in Churh and the little girl at the park to be her. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried.
I want my baby.
I should be buying her an Easter dress and putting bows in her hair. She should be sitting up and smiling. She should be smiling at me.
And so I sit here alone tonight. Believe my story, or don't. But its the truth, my truth.
I love you my darlings.