Oh Baby

Today was Infant Loss Rememberance Day. Today was also the day of my good friend's baby shower.
I was conflicted, these 2 important events crossing. I wanted to go to my friend's shower, but this would mean missing the 7 o'clock wave of light... and lighting a candle for my baby girl as well as the children of other wonderful ladies I've met through this blog, and places like Glow.
I decided to go to my friend's shower, hoping somebody else out there remembered to think of my Mia as they were lighting a candle tonight. I knew she would be in my mind, even if there was no candle lit in her memory.
My friend's baby daughter was born 2 days before I lost Mia. We were pregnant together, our girls were going to go to kindergarten together. Her daughter came home from the hospital wrapped in a little pink blanket... and mine came home in a box.
Even in the newness of her daughter, this friend has still been amazing to me after my loss. The very day I lost Mia, she sent me an email, letting me know how sorry she was and that she was thinking of me. She's listened to me cry as I talked about Mia, and life after her, and she's given me hugs that make me feel like - just for a minute - I'm breathing oxygen again. She understood why I wept as I held her baby for the first time.
A few weeks after losing Mia, I went to babysit for her and her husband while they went out. Their baby wasn't there, but their oldest daughter was. We laughed and played pretend, and after I had tucked her off to bed, I creapt through her baby room, running my fingers over the tiny hats my daughter would have been wearing, breathing in the baby scent that lingered in the room.
So tonight was her baby shower, and I went. I'm glad I did.
There were a few women there with newborns, besides my friend, and a couple more that were pregnant. I thought I would have a harder time, but I didn't really.
I laughed and talked. My friend asked if I wanted to hold her baby. I did, I held her sweet, darling girl. I thought of Mia, and how these two would have been friends. With Mia's locket around my neck and my friend's daughter in my arms, it didn't feel strange. I didn't wish my daughter was here instead of...
This friend hasn't been anything but kind to me over the last month, and if anyone, she is the one who understands me the most.
She, with her arms full of baby, waking up every couple hours during the night to nurse, a sleep deprived mama. Her friendship is something I couldn't do without.
So I held her daughter. My arms that normally ache over being empty were finally content, holding a little one.
I expected it to be a lot worse then it was, but it wasn't that bad. It was bitter sweet.

I remembered all of your babies tonight, the ones gone too soon. I was sending love to all the brave mama's out there tonight, the mama's who encourage me, pick me up when I fall and make me believe that I'm brave too.