Mama

I don't have long to write so this won't be something eloquent and beautiful.
No, this is the short ramblings of a woman who thinks she just might be going crazy...

I was watching my friend's son tonight so she and her husband could have a date night. Why I get myself in to these things, I don't know. Her son is 2, and the cutest little thing ever.
His blonde puff of hair smelled like shampoo, and he crawled right into my lap.
As we read stories, I heard the words I was longing to hear cross his lips... "Mama"
They were words that didn't belong to me, they don't belong to me, not now.
I don't look anything like his mother. Where she is blonde, I have brown hair now. Where she is tall and willowy, I am short and can't seem to get rid of the few extra pounds I gained while pregnant.
As we had snack, as I tucked him in to bed, he kept whispering the words, "Mama, mama." When he wanted to get my attention he would tap my arm, "Mama!" he would exclaim.
He said them like the words belonged to me.
Not your mama, I thought, not anyone's mama anymore.
I tucked him in to bed, sang to him, watched him close his eyes and drift off to sleep.
It made me think of everything I will miss. I'll never get to tuck Mia in to bed, never get to sing her to sleep. She'll never call me mama.
It hurts to think of all of the things I'll miss, how I'll never get to do those things with her mothers are supposed to do.
I have a friend whose daughter is adopted. She got to be a mother without ever giving birth. I gave birth... and never got to be a mother.
Oh, what I would give just to hear my little girl call me mama.
just. once.