I want to scream.
This isn't fair.
Last night i sobbed into my pillow, missing my baby, and missing her daddy.
I feel so often like i can't breathe.
I'm choking on air thats not oxygen and suffocating and its messy and not at all graceful
But still i paste on a smile and help decorate Easter eggs and try to enjoy meals with family.
I feel like i'm faking it
I'm no stranger to death and yet everytime it strikes i cry out for more time
To say "i love you," one more time
To make things right
For one more hug and kiss
And yet, with every death, i sit here and long for more time
Let me hold you longer, sweet child of mine
Let me tell you i loved you once more, my first love
I would do it different. I would let go of my hurt and just love the way Mia, and Cam, deserved to be loved
Never enough time
I feel selfish on my knees begging for just one more minute
To hold them (my loves)
To tell them i love them (i love you, my darlings)
To just be with my family, whole and complete (no missing pieces)
I hope they both know the extent of my love
...
...
I let him name her. He picked Mia. I agreed only if her full name could be Amelia.
We only got these small moments of parenthood and i let him name her.
And now he gets to hold her
To kiss her and love her
His acts of parenthood far outweigh mine.
I wish it wasn't so.
...
...
Amelia Kadee, your first Easter is coming.
I was with my cousin today and her daughter at the mall
They walked into some toy store, with stuffed animals
I watched as my cousin helped her daughter choose a bear
I wished it was me
I want to choose a bear for my daughter
I felt such a poigant loss
I stepped outside the store, tears in my eyes
...
...
Tomorrow is Easter and i feel so broken
How can i rejoice when so much pain surrounds me?
I feel so out of place. Like i don't belong with all these walking, talking, happy people.
I miss you, Cam
I miss you, Amelia Kadee, my Mia girl
My love for you both will never fade
You are my family.
Happy Easter, loves
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