I love you, my darlings

I haven't been here in a while.
I'm sorry. I am.
Sometimes i forget why i'm writing. For her.
But also for him, now.
I warn you now this won't seem real.
"You're crazy, Em," you'll say, "you're just a sad babyloss mama desperate for attention."
I tell you now this is the truth. I wouldn't believe it if i hadn't lived it.
But is true. Like a horror story i can't escape, every word is true.
...
...
A month ago (give or take a few days) i stood witness to my second death in 6 months.
He died. Mia's daddy. A car accident. He went quick, they said. He's at peace, they said. He's with his daughter, i said. Is it bad that I'm a little jealous? That he gets to be with her and i'm here, without them both? I am here alone, remembering both of them seems like too big a burden for my shoulders to bear.
I miss my Amelia, my Mia.
And i miss Cam, her daddy.
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...
I saw her today. Well not really her. I'll never see her again. But, at dinner, the girl at the next table, with blonde braids, had Down Syndrome.
I wanted it to be her. I want the little girl in the resturant and the little girl in Churh and the little girl at the park to be her. I locked myself in the bathroom and cried.
I want my baby.
I should be buying her an Easter dress and putting bows in her hair. She should be sitting up and smiling. She should be smiling at me.
...
...
And so I sit here alone tonight. Believe my story, or don't. But its the truth, my truth.
I love you my darlings.